


i can be your china doll, if you want to see me fall

by tomlinbum



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-19
Updated: 2013-03-19
Packaged: 2017-12-05 19:09:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/726902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tomlinbum/pseuds/tomlinbum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis hasn't slept since he and Harry broke up.</p><p>or the one where Harry leaves and Louis has insomnia because every time he closes he eyes he sees Harry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i can be your china doll, if you want to see me fall

 Louis hasn’t slept since he and Harry broke up.

 

Every time Louis lays down, gets comfortable in his bed, and thinks _this is it – this is the night I’ll finally get some sleep,_ he starts to think about Harry and spends the rest of his night crying and holding back on calling Harry.

 

It wasn’t supposed to end like this – _they_ weren’t supposed to end like this. During the X-Factor days, he and Harry would stay up all night, smiling at each other and talking about _when we get married, I want it to be a small wedding – only people we care about allowed_ and _I really want a baby girl, Lou – wanna name her Darcy_ and _when we’re rich and famous, we’ll buy a big house on the beach and I’ll treat you to so many things, Haz, you’ll live like everyone dreams to live_ but none of it happened and none of it would most likely end up happening now.

 

For the first year, everything was okay. They had strict rules of not coming out, not being able to tell the fans about their relationship, but they were able to act somewhat like themselves in public. The second year was when it got tougher, though. The second year was when Louis would wake up in the middle of the night to an empty bed and hear Harry crying on the phone with his mum or Nick or one of the boys about how _bloody hard it is to not be able to show my love for him in public._

 

Around the third year, it had gotten a bit easier. They were so used to the lies, the fake dates and articles and relationships, that it became an everyday thing. They had been so used to the hiding, that even when they didn’t have to hide – they still hid, playing everything off like they were best friends, and best friends only.

 

When the fourth year came around, Harry cracked. He started to become more distant, not talking to anyone unless it was his mum or Nick, only talking to Louis when he absolutely had to. He bought his own flat, moving out from the shared flat he had with Louis. The fourth year, Louis thinks, was where everything promptly went to shit.

 

\-----

 

“Have you not been getting sleep, babe?” Jay asks.

 

Louis ignores her, pouring a cup of tea for himself and sitting across from her at the table. He doesn’t think it makes any sense to ask; it’s obvious he hasn’t. He has bags under his eyes and his eyes are bland and small, not at all like his usual cheerful and crinkly eyes.

 

Jay sighs, “Lou. I know it’s been hard for you, loosing Harry – and the band – but it’s not something to torture yourself over. You need to get some sleep. Relax. Have a getaway for all I care, but you need to get better, love.”

 

“Mum,” Louis sighs, “I know, okay? I know that this is stupid – but I just. I miss him… so much. Every time I try to sleep, I see him. I see his face in a scowl and hear him yelling at me about how he doesn’t have to live like this and I – I can’t sleep. I can’t close my eyes if that is what I’m going to see, Mum. I can’t.”

 

“Oh, Lou,” Jay says, moving to the seat right next to Louis and pulling him into her arms, “it’ll get better, I promise, baby. Just give it some time, yeah? You and Harry have had fights so many times, babe. Give it time. He’ll come back.”

 

Louis shakes his head, “We’re not fighting, Mum. He’s left me. Its two totally different things. He isn’t coming back. Ever.”

 

\------

 

“Lou, love? Can you go run to the store for me, please? I need some milk and we’re all out of chips!” Jay calls to him from where he’s sitting on the sofa, staring blankly at the television that is promptly shut off.

 

“Sure,” he says back.

 

He grabs the money from her, forcing a smile. He knows that she wants him to get out of the house. Ever since he’s came stay with her and the girls, he hasn’t left the house, except for the occasional picking up the twins from school on an odd day.

 

When he gets to the store, he goes to the chip aisle first, grabbing the chips that he knows everyone loves best and turns to go down the milk aisle, running into someone and dropping his chips.

 

“Shit! I’m sorry,” he says to the person, not even looking at them, and bending down to pick up his chips. When he resurfaces and gets a look at the silent person he’s run into, his heart drops.

 

“Harry?” he asks, brokenly.

 

“Yeah,” Harry replies, shutting his eyes tightly for a brief second. Louis wants to run, hide, die, maybe, but he knows he can’t. He can’t move from this spot.

 

“Why are you in Doncaster?” Louis asks. His voice is hoarse from the lack of use and he can tell that Harry knows he’s not doing well. Harry doesn’t look as good as he usually does, either, but there’s no way he’s having a rough time. He’s the one that left Louis, not the other way around.

 

“I, um,” Harry scratches at the back of his neck, “You’re Mum called me actually? She told me that you’re – you aren’t sleeping, Lou. And she thought that I could help. And I told her it’d make everything worse, putting you through seeing me again – making me see you again. But she was insistent and persuasive, seems as if all Tomlinson’s are.”

 

Louis reminds himself to strangle his mum as soon as he gets home. How did she think for one second that seeing Harry again could help him?

 

Louis breathes heavily in and heavily out, letting the rush of air fill his lungs and help him think more clearly.

 

“I’m sorry, Harry, I’m sorry she made you come all the way over here and waste your time, but I can’t do this,” Louis says, hands fisting his pockets. He leaves the store, not even worrying about the groceries his mum sent him to get.

 

\------

 

“How could you do that to me, Mum?” Louis yells as soon as the door to the house is open. His face is tear-streaked and numb from the cold.

 

“What do you mean, dear?” Jay asks from the kitchen, wiping her hands on her legs as she enters the living room.

 

“Don’t fuck with me like that, Mum. You know bloody well what you did. Calling Harry and asking him to come see me? How the fuck did you think that would help anything? Did you even think for one second that it might make things worse? Seeing him again? Having to have a reminder that he isn’t mine anymore – in the flesh?” Louis screams, falling down into the fetal position against the wall on the floor. He shoves his face in between his legs and shakily counts to ten. It doesn’t help his crying.

 

“Lou, baby. I don’t – I thought it would help you, seeing him again. I thought that if he saw you again he’d know how stupid he was to leave you in the first place. You should be happy that you’ve gotten to see him again!” Jay says.

 

“Why would I be happy to see him again? Happy that he now knows how terrible I’m taking this – taking _everything_? How could you do this to me, Mum?” Louis asks, wiping at his eyes.

 

He doesn’t wait for her to reply, going up the stairs to his room and slamming the door shut behind him. He lies down in his bed, but doesn’t sleep.

 

\------

 

The next day, there’s a knock at his door.

 

“Go away,” he groans, throwing his pillow at the door. He doesn’t want to talk to anyone right now, especially not his mum.

 

His door opens and he hears, “Is that anyway to treat a mate who you haven’t seen in ages?”

 

Louis turns his head at the voice, knowing the voice anywhere.

 

“Stan?” he asks, just to make sure. He and Stan haven’t talked since One Direction got really big and Stan had gotten too overwhelmed by the fame and fans.

 

Stan nods, “What happened to you, Lou? You look like shit.”

 

Louis laughs, “Thanks mate. Nice to see you too.”

 

“Mhm,” Stan hums, closing the door behind him, “Now that I know you aren’t going to shoot me or anything, I’ve got a question. Why aren’t you sleeping?”

 

\------

 

He tells Stan everything. Everything, meaning, from The X-Factor up until yesterday. Stan sits intently on the bed beside Louis, listening to every single thing that Louis says. It feels nice to have someone listening for once.

 

“Your mum’s shit for doing that to you, but I think she had the right idea,” Stan replies once Louis has gone quiet.

 

Louis looks at him, “And what would ‘the right idea’ be, Stanley? To fuck me up even more?”

 

Stan shakes his head, “No. That wasn’t her purpose at all. From what you’re telling me, she obviously thought this would help. It’s you that made it go out of proportion and made it sound worse that what it really was.”

 

“Maybe you’re right,” Louis sighs, “but I’ve fucked it all up now, haven’t I? I ran away. I was the one that left this time. Harry probably went home already, back to Cheshire or wherever he lives now.”

 

Stan smiles, “Actually….”

 

Louis groans, “You know something that I don’t, don’t you?”

 

“He’s actually downstairs? And before you kill me: I didn’t know about it until I got here. Your mum gave me a ring, telling me about how you’ve been a mess and an old best mate might help you, so I told her I’d come. When I walked into the front door and saw Harry, though… I was shocked. I had no clue why he was here, but now apparently I do. I think you should talk to him, you know? Get some closure, because the way you two ended, you definitely didn’t get any. And I think that’s what you need, Lou,” Stan says.

 

Louis sighs, shutting his eyes tightly, thinking of Harry sitting downstairs on the sofa with his mum, remembering when they were in love and Harry had come over for the holidays, before they had a spare room, and Jay had said Harry wasn’t allowed to sleep in the same bed as Louis, opting for Harry to sleep on the sofa. Later that night, Louis had snuck downstairs, surprising Harry, straddling him and kissing him.

 

“I – yeah. I think I need closure, too. I just – god. I’m such a mess, Stan,” Louis says, feeling tears brim his eyes.

 

Stan hugs him, “No you aren’t – well, maybe a little. But you aren’t a mess, really. You’re just broken, Lou, and here’s your chance to be fixed.”

 

\-----

 

Harry enters Louis’s room awkwardly. It’s all a bit awkward from the moment he walks in until he sits down across from Louis on the bed.

 

“I shouldn’t have sprung all of that onto you at once yesterday. I know seeing me must have been a big shock to you and I’m sorry,” Harry says. He’s the first to talk and bring up the conversation.

 

Louis forces a smile, “It’s okay. How have you been?”

Harry laughs, “I’m not going to lie to you. These past few months have been almost as shit for me as they’ve been for you.”

 

Louis scrunches his eyebrows together in confusion, “How?”

 

“You aren’t the only one that was in love, Lou. I loved you – you know that. And I – I didn’t want to leave. But I couldn’t handle it anymore. After I left, though, I noticed how empty I felt without you. There was a difference between having you and not really having you and not having you at all. I thought I’d be able to handle it because we’d been distant for so long, but I couldn’t.”

 

“Harry,” Louis says, a long sigh-sob-type-whine, “You can’t – you can’t do this to me. You just – you can’t.”

 

Harry nods, “I know – I know this is wrong for me to tell you, but shit, Lou. I missed you, so fucking much. Every fucking day I’d wake up and feel so fucking empty because I didn’t have you. But I thought you’d been better without me, so I kept myself away from you. But then your mum called me and told me about how you haven’t been sleeping and I had to come see you, had to tell you that I still love you, that I still want you.”

 

“I can’t – Harry, I can’t do this. I can’t let you do this to me,” Louis sobs, tears falling out of his eyes. He puts his hands over his face, guarding himself from Harry and from the world.

 

Harry pulls his hands away from his face and kisses the tears, kissing the bags underneath his eyes, “We can go slow. We don’t even have to be together, if you would rather us not be. But I can’t be without you in my life at all, Lou. I need you somehow, please, please.”

 

Louis knows that this isn’t a good idea, it isn’t going to end well, he tells himself. But he’s been so shit without Harry, needs Harry like Harry is an extra limb on his body.

 

Harry kisses his cheek, a fond smile on his face. Louis hasn’t given him an answer, but Harry doesn’t need an answer. He knows Louis, knows Louis like he knows himself, maybe even better.

 

Harry lays down, flat on his back, pulling Louis on top of his chest. It’s the first time Louis sleeps in months. 


End file.
